Pas de deux
by shto
Summary: Eren is a depressed high school student, and he expects nothing special when Mikasa decides to drag him to gym with her. But then, while wandering around the gym, he stumbles upon a short ballet dancer, and his life starts to change like he'd never imagined it to.
1. Chapter 1

"No." I grumbled.  
"But why not?" Armin pleaded, his bright blue eyes desperately staring into mine.  
"Because I don't want to be stuck in a huge room with huge sweaty dudes."  
"B-but Mikasa asked you to come, you can't just sit here all day and do nothing!" Armin kept staring at me and nudged my arm.  
I rolled my eyes, tempted to say "watch me", but instead, I stood up from the couch I was sitting on, and went to my room, Armin following me with a triumphant smile on his face.  
"Should I wear anything special?" I asked, sighing.  
"Sweatpants and a shirt will do, I guess," He replied, glancing at the clock on the wall. "We should get going, Mikasa's waiting."  
"Whatever. So, uh, you're going to start working out too?" I inquired, putting on my sneakers and stepping out of the apartment.  
He shrugged. "Dunno, we need to get there first."  
We walked to the bus station. None of us drove a car, though Mikasa already started taking driving lessons. Dad promised he will let her use his car, you know, since she's so reliable and responsible and all that.  
The bus arrived, and after ten minutes, I found myself standing in front of a big, white building, with a large sign hanging above the door- "Olympus gym".  
You see, a few weeks ago, Mikasa decided to start working out. She would leave the house thrice a week, returning home after a few hours of... of whatever she's been doing there. And since she cares so much about her step-brother, she demanded me to join her.  
Which is totally fine by me. Really. Joining Mikasa in the gym is cool.  
But the thought of all the sweaty dudes made me nauseous. Why would you want to work out in front of strangers?  
So Mikasa convinced Armin to join, and he convinced me to get my ass off the couch.  
And here I am.  
All the traffic noise and street sounds seemed to completely vanish as we entered the hall. There was a broad glass door in front of the main entrance, and I could trace the silhouettes of people moving behind it. I stepped forward and opened the door slowly, searching for Mikasa.  
It wasn't hard to notice her, tall and slender among the buff guys. She was lifting weights while one of her legs leaned on a bench. Quickly, I shut the door, followed by Armin who looked around curiously. "Hey." I greeted her after we approached. She nodded and pointed on a pair of weights beside her.  
"Get to work." Mikasa sounded serious, but also glad. "You too." she said to Armin.  
I took the weights and started lifting them, imitating her slow and sharp movements.  
She nodded again, smiling almost unnoticeably.

The sun was setting when we walked home, painting the sky orange and red. My shoulders hurt from the weight lifting, and I could feel the shirt stick to my back. But it wasn't that bad. I guess I enjoyed it. After we finished working out, Mikasa showed us around. There was a pool and hall for gymnastics, and stairs which apparently led to another floor, but there was a little sign on the wall, saying that the floor was under construction.  
We didn't take the bus this time, it wasn't that long a walk anyway.  
"So did you like it?" Mikasa asked, looking at me expectantly.  
I shrugged. "It was nice."  
"What about you?" She turned to Armin.  
I didn't bother to listen to their conversation, and focused on the sky instead.  
The sun hid behind the hills, and I watched the clouds change from orange to purple. I liked the sky, looking at it made me feel calm, for some reason.  
The tree leaves were dancing in the chilly evening wind, swirling above the pavement like feathers. Armin waved goodbye as he turned to his favourite library, and we went home.  
Dad's shift at the hospital ended late at night, so we were all by ourselves.  
I went straight to the bathroom, leaving Mikasa lingering in the kitchen. I heard the dishes clatter while taking a quick shower, yelling a loud "yes!" when Mikasa asked me whether I want to eat dinner.  
We ate peacefully, joking about Mikasa's stories from the gym.  
Being at home is nice, I thought after falling on my bed and closing my eyes. My muscles still ached a bit, but it was that good kind of pain you feel after doing something useful and exhausting. I opened my eyes and stared at the darkness enveloping my room, descending down like a blanket made of night.

And then I started to feel it again. That one certain feeling.

Once finding myself alone, it would crawl from the corner of my consciousness and take over. I felt empty, tired. It's that kind of tiredness which never disappears, no matter how long I slept.  
Don't get all tragically poetic now, I scolded myself and looked at the guitar in the corner of the room. I could try to play a song, I could get up and see what Mikasa's doing, or ask her when will we visit the gym again.  
But instead of doing all this, I closed my eyes again, falling asleep.

* * *

Dad was drinking his tea in the kitchen when I woke up and started to get ready for school.

"Morning." I mumbled and rubbed my eyes.

"Morning," he replied. "How was gym?"  
I poured some cereals into a bowl and rummaged in the fridge.  
''Cool. Where's the milk?''  
"Mikasa went to the store to get some." He took another sip from his tea.  
"I waited for you to wake up, and now after seeing you're not dead after that work out with Mikasa, I'm going to bed." He patted my shoulder, washed his cup and went to his room.  
Our dad usually worked at reasonable hours, but lately he's been busier, so we don't get to see him as often as before. But that's okay, I didn't want to bother him with my stupid problems.

Mikasa returned with the milk, and soon after that we were on our way to school.  
"Lets go again today, to the gym." Mikasa said decisively as we entered the school. She was wearing that red scarf again, the one I gave her years ago when she joined our family. To be honest, I can't bring myself to imagine our small family without her. She's part of us. After mom died, we got closer and started to care even more about each other.  
Mikasa was the only one who knew about that one certain feeling. She was the only one who understood.  
It's not like I had no friends, I just couldn't tell them. I couldn't tell them about how jealous I felt when I saw everyone around me finding their place in the world, doing what makes them happy, doing what makes them feel alive. They were passionate, inspired, free.  
Armin and his books and writing, Mikasa and her ability to succeed at everything she did, be it working out, driving a car or making dinner to her depressed step-brother who couldn't bring himself to feel alive.  
And there I was, going to class, feeling miserable and empty. Cool, huh?

We were in separated classes, so I promised Mikasa I'll meet her after school and we'll go to the gym together.  
By the time I entered the Biology class, the bell rang already. I don't particularly like Biology, but choosing it as my high school major subject made my dad happy.  
I let a small sigh escape my lips when suddenly someone tapped my shoulder. I turned around to see Jean sitting behind me.

"Sup Eren," He grinned. "Heard you hit the gym with Mikasa."

Jean is one of my friends. I'm pretty sure he has a crush on Mikasa. Well, everybody's pretty sure he does.  
I nodded. His grin deepened.  
"I'm going to join ya today."

"What? Why?"

"Why not?"

"If it's because of my st—"

"Dude, no, I just thought I'd get in shape, ya know. Mikasa has nothing to do with this." He looked serious, but I still found it hard to believe him.

"Yeah whatever." I muttered under my breath.

"Teacher's here." he pointed out and I turned back to my table.

After the break started, I discovered that pretty much everybody knew about me going to the gym. Sasha, Connie, Marco. Somehow they all knew.

"Why are you making such a big deal out of it?" I snapped, trying to eat my lunch quietly.

"We aren't!" Sasha said cheerfully, stuffing her mouth with french fries.

"Yeah, we aren't." repeated Connie.

"Okay guys, shut the hell up." I grumbled and shook my head.

"I'm going to go with him today!" Jean smacked my shoulder, almost making me choke on my food.

"Is it fun there?" Asked Marco, his voice calm and quiet, in contrast to the others.  
I shrugged and kept on munching my burger.  
This was my circle of friends. Sasha and Connie were the loud and childish pair of friends, they'd always tell stupid jokes but I guess it's fun to be around them, sometimes.  
Marco was in art class. He was quiet, nice and calm, and often seen with a sketchbook.  
Jean was stupid and that's all about him.  
The break ended and we went back to our classes, and I couldn't help but notice how excited everyone seemed about their lessons.  
They liked what they studied. They were pleased. But I wasn't.

* * *

''Hey Jean. You decided to join us, I see?"

"Yeah, Eren said he needs help with the lifting."

"Shut up, jerk."

We were sitting in the bus, Mikasa, Jean and I, on our way to the gym. I leaned against the cool window and plugged in my earphones. Music was one of the few things that made me feel a tad better. I turned on a random song and let myself sink in the melody. It was House by the Sea by Moddi, some musician I came across on Youtube. I listened to the words and laughed bitterly inside myself. They were written for me.

And I'm trying my best to be tough

To pretend I am strong and can siphon it off

But I'm not who I wanted to be

"Eren, stop it." I heard Mikasa's voice, muffled through my earphones. I unplugged one earphone. "Stop what?"

"Your leg."

I looked down and noticed that my leg was slightly tapping to the rhythm of the song.  
"Oh, sorry." I muttered.  
"We're there." Mikasa pointed at the familiar gym building, and Jean looked at it. He whistled.  
"Would you look at that sweet thing," he sounded impressed and I glanced at the building. There was a black motorbike parked next to the wall.  
"It probably belongs to one of those big steroids-stuffed dudes." he snickered.

He's never been so wrong in his entire life.

Jean adapted pretty quickly. He took the heaviest weights he could find and started lifting them slowly, very slowly, his face reddens with effort. Mikasa went to her usual corner, and I started to lift the weights I lifted yesterday. While doing so, I absentmindedly observed the people around me, wondering who's the owner of that awesome motorbike. I wonder how's it like to ride that thing, feeling the wind ruffling my hair, leaving this place and never going back. Being free and doing whatever I want.

The only problem is that I don't know what I wanted to do.  
And in that dramatic moment I realized two things-  
One, I was unbearably thirsty.  
Two, I forgot my bottle back at home.  
I placed the weights on the floor carefully and exited the main hall, looking for something to quench my thirst with.  
After some exploring, I noticed a small drinking fountain in the corner, and while drinking I suddenly heard, out of all things, soft piano tones.  
What the actual flipping shit? Who would play piano in the gym?  
Curious, I left the drinking fountain and followed the quiet music until I reached a wide pair of doors. The gymnastics hall. The music came from there, beautiful and quiescent, like a promise.  
I grabbed one of the door handles and quietly opened it. The hall looked empty, but the music kept on playing. I couldn't stop admiring it.  
And then, my eyes met a short figure in the far corner of the hall.

It was a guy. A relatively short guy.

And he was dancing.

It looked like he didn't notice me. He was pirouetting around, jumping gracefully in the air, his slender yet strong legs looked like they granted him the ability to fly.  
The music played and played, but I didn't bother to search for its source. My eyes were fixed upon that short dancing guy.  
He was dancing ballet, and it was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life.


	2. Chapter 2

I couldn't stop staring. I didn't want to.

The guy leaped lightly, landing and bowing his black haired head. He spun around, one of his legs stretched back. He looked strong, and free, and his dancing... it was absolutely, incredibly amazing. He didn't hesitate for a moment, moving fast and smooth and seemingly effortless.  
It felt like everything moved in slow motion when the music stopped suddenly and he stretched his arms and breathed deeply. My throat felt dry when he turned around and noticed me standing behind the half opened door.  
He tilted his head, expressionless.  
"Um, uh…" I stuttered. I wanted to tell him how admirable his dance was, but the words stuck beneath my lips and refused to break free. He blinked at me, and my urge to say something to him grew stronger. I opened my mouth, thinking of what to say, when suddenly someone called my name.  
"Eren?" It was Mikasa.  
I glanced at the guy who was now taking off his pointe shoes, deadpan and silent.  
"Eren, where the hell are you?" I heard Jean's voice, and saw him and Mikasa walking towards me.  
"Hey, we're leaving." Mikasa looked at me, and then noticed the half opened door and the ballet guy. His pointe shoes were hanging on his slender shoulders, and he seemed not to mind us. Jean looked at him and snickered.  
"Aren't those tights too tight for ya, shorty?" he yelled mockingly.  
"Jean, shut up." Mikasa seemed a bit displeased, and it made Jean shut his mouth and head towards the exit. We went to the bus station this time, the sun was setting again. But I didn't look at the sky. I didn't look anywhere. My thoughts were revolving around the ballet dancer. I couldn't get his dancing out of my mind.  
I saw a few ballet dancers in my life, but there was nothing too special about them. They were all girls, too. Seeing a man dancing like this, so freely and gracefully, yet full of strength, was unbelievable. He looked like he was flying.

"Hey, it's the ballet shorty." Jean's voice brought me back to reality. I narrowed my eyes at him and he tilted his head to the direction of the gym building. The dancer was indeed there, walking to the black motorbike. Jean's eyes widened in disbelief when the guy started the motorbike, put on a black helmet and eventually drove away.  
"W-w-what the hell," I couldn't contain my laugh at how surprised he sounded. "Are you telling me that super sweet thing belongs to the dancing midget?" He shook his head.  
"Seems so," Mikasa sounded amused. "That's what you get for laughing at people who are ten times more talented than you." Jean responded with a weird horse noise, probably some twisted version of grumbling.  
Shortly after that, the bus arrived and we were on our way home. Jean got off on his station, and I began to waver whether to tell Mikasa I saw that guy dancing or not.  
For some reason I felt like the sight I witnessed was a secret, something which belonged to me and wasn't meant to be shared. Like a revelation.  
I resolved to keep it to myself for now.

* * *

On the next day, Mikasa asked me to come with her to the sport supply store. She got serious about this whole working out thing, and dragged me along in the process.  
Mikasa knew about how depressed I was, and I figured she decided to try and help me, in her own special way. The guitar in my room was a birthday present she got me last year, hoping I will find solace in playing it. I do play it sometimes, but... it's not that. I'm not really good at this anyway, and I don't strive to be.  
I guess that's why she's making me work out with her, she wants me to experiment, try new things and see which one of them is that one special thing. You know, that whole ''makes me feel alive'' thing.  
And for the life of me, working out isn't that one thing.  
But it's not that bad either, so I agreed to accompany her to the store after her driving lesson.  
I was lying on my bed aimlessly while waiting for the lesson to finish, and my thoughts wandered to yesterday again. The dancer. His black hair, his pointe shoes, the strength and freedom in his movements. Jean's scorning gaze, the black motorbike.  
I shouldn't dwell on this, I thought and got up from my bed. Mikasa is probably waiting already.  
It was quite chilly outside, so I grabbed my favourite hoodie and wore it, ignoring the fact that my hair got completely messy in the process.  
After a few minutes I was walking outside, earphones in, thoughts out, forgetting myself in the music. I shut my mind, letting the thoughts drift away momentarily. The air was a little cool, and I could feel the wind brushing my hair gently. It made me remember mom. I pictured her in my mind and felt a twinge of pain in my chest. She would be so sad and worried if she knew about all this. But mom is not here, I am left alone to cope with my stupid depression, pitied by my step-sister.  
I kept walking until Mikasa appeared in the corner of the street, waiting for me.

"How was the lesson?" I asked, shoving my earphones into my back pocket.

"Good." she sounded delighted and informed me that her driving test is due to a week.  
"We should tell dad and celebrate." I offered. Her little smile grew a bit wider, and I couldn't help but smile too.  
"Eren, you know how much this means to me." She exhaled and looked at the sky. The wind ruffled her hair, and I could practically feel her imagining how it would be like to drive, independent, fast, free.  
Not this shit again, I chided myself. Be freaking happy for her.  
So I was. We went to the store, trying on wristbands and sweatproof shirts, imitating the buff, sweaty dudes from gym. Mikasa decided to buy two small dumbbells, and waited for me to choose something as well.  
I was examining some random sneakers when the entrance door opened and a short, pale guy entered. It was him.  
I pretended to be very interested in the sneakers I held, and my heart skipped a beat for some reason. He was walking towards me, his face determined. I froze as he got closer, passing me and stopping next to a pair of pointe shoes hanging from a shelf. He took them and went back, turning to the salesman and asking him something in a quiet voice.  
"So are you going to buy something or not?" I suddenly heard Mikasa and shook my head. "Nah, I'm good."  
"Are you staring at that guy?" She asked, following my eyes. "It's the ballet dancer, the one we saw yesterday." she concluded and watched him put the shoes back and buying bandages and wristbands.

"I saw him dancing," I blurted out without thinking. "It was... It was cool."

"Is that so?" I could feel her eyes resting on me. "That's rare, a guy dancing ballet."

"Yeah, I know... but it was kinda awesome."

"I bet it was," She said. "Have you talked to him?"

I snored in response. "Why would I?"

Really, why would I?

Actually, why not?

Mikasa was standing in the line to pay when the ballet guy was leaving.

"I'll, uh, wait for you outside." I mumbled and hurried to the exit. He was starting his motorbike when I walked to him, a tad nervous.

"Hey." I called, and he looked at me blankly.

"Hey." he replied. His voice sounded sharp yet quiet.

I gulped, praying to whoever was listening that I would't sound completely dumb.

"I saw you yesterday, at the gym."

"Really?" He sounded genuinely disinterested, and then his eyes narrowed. "Oh, right. There was a guy with you. He yelled to me."

"Um, yeah, you should just ignore him." Stupid Jean.

"That's what I did."

I finally looked directly at him while he spoke. He looked young, his face pale, wearing a calm yet unflappable expression.

"So, you're dancing ballet?" I asked, and scolded myself instantly. What a shitty question.

"Obviously." I could see the impatience growing in his grey eyes. I mentally squirmed, preparing to what I'll say next.

"Your dancing is really awesome." I said, surprised by how confident my voice sounded. He raised an eyebrow slightly.

"Thanks."

I glanced back at the glass door and saw that Mikasa was about to leave. The guy looked at me and sighed. "Did you want something?" he asked and took his helmet.

"I, uh, are you going to dance in the gym again?"

"Unfortunately, yes. The ballet hall in the second floor is under construction."

I remembered the stairs I saw on the first day in the gym. So that's what was up there.

He sighed again and lifted his helmet. "I need to go, so, if you could step aside and let me move my motorbike, it would be nice."

"Oh, yeah, sure." I stepped aside and heard the door open. Mikasa was walking to my direction. "Could I, uh, could I come and maybe see your dancing again?" I asked and nearly slapped myself. That sounded so freaking lame, ugh.

The ballet guy wore his helmet. "There are only two reasons people want to watch a ballet dancer. To have fun, or to learn. You want to have fun? Buy a ticket and visit the royal opera house. Or maybe you want to learn?" I could hear the mocking tone in his voice. "Now I doubt that you'd want to wear tight tights, like your nice friend said it. So bye."

"No, wait," I called urgently, looking at him, or rather, at the helmet, and then at Mikasa who was dangerously close. I didn't want her to hear what I was about to say.

"I want to learn." I said, quietly as possible, caught off guard by my own words.

"Oh, do you?" He snorted a subtle laugh.

I nodded. What am I even doing?

"Okay then." he said eventually, like he had no choice but to continue to speak with me.

"I'll come to the gym tomorrow." I mumbled and turned quickly to Mikasa, walking away. I heard him say "Okay, then" again before he drove away.

"What were you talking about?'' Mikasa asked curiously.

"Nothing.'' I answered, still slightly flummoxed. I thought about the conversation with the guy, and realized that I completely forgot to ask his name. In my mind, I was still calling him 'the ballet guy'.


	3. Chapter 3

Dad was home for a change, and he even waited for us with dinner. Or rather, three shares of chinese food he ordered before our arrival. It was kind of special, to sit with him and Mikasa, eating steamy noodles, having a carefree chat and talking about the day. He told us about his work at the hospital and the various patients he took care of, and we told him about our day at school. Then, Mikasa brought up the ballet guy.  
I could see dad raising an eyebrow slightly while Mikasa was talking.  
"But ballet is for women, men shouldn't dance." He purposely emphasized the word 'dance'. Mikasa shrugged. "I think people can do whatever they want. I bet his dancing is really cool." She looked right at me and I could see a trace of a playful smile on her lips.  
"You should finish the food before it gets cold." dad said tonelessly and kept eating his noodles. Our dad was the strict kind of dad, not too much, but still a bit of oldschool.  
Mikasa changed the subject and told him about her driving test. He nodded in appreciation when she described her progress in the lessons, and told her that he was proud of her.

Here it goes again, I thought gloomily when a slight sting of jealousy pierced my heart.

Mikasa was doing something with her life, she had goals, and she had passion. I, on the other side, had envy, uselessness and negativity. I tried to ward off the thoughts that started to storm in my mind again, but it didn't really help.  
It wasn't like this in the past. I wasn't so negative then. I was normal. But then mom died, and somehow it seemed to affect me more than Mikasa and dad.  
After that I started to notice how different I was, how the emptiness within me grew with each day, swallowing my motivation and my will to fight.  
I heard about self harm, and suicide, but these were just words for me. There is no way I would ever do something like this. I knew that mom wouldn't have wanted me to do it. I knew that I would be more of a disappointment if I were to do something like that.  
So I fought it, with every fiber of my being. Mikasa was helping too, although her attempts seemed fruitless.  
We finished the meal and I hurried to my room, letting myself to fall heavily on the bed.  
I was trying to clear my mind from the negative thoughts when someone knocked on the door. After a second, Mikasa entered the room, slowly closing the door behind her.

"Hey there," she said softly. "You've been quiet again." she mentioned and laid on the bed next to me.

I nodded, not really knowing what to say. Mikasa's eyes stared into mine, her face doleful with worry. "Is it that feeling again?" she sounded concerned.

"Yeah."

"Is there anything I could do to help?"

"You're doing more than enough." I whispered bitterly. She lifted her hand and stroked my hair, just like mom used to.

"It's going to be okay, Eren," She whispered back. "I promise. I know that you feel lifeless all the time, and I wish I could change that, but you are the only one who is able to do it."

I nodded again, eyes cast down. She was right, after all. She was always right.

"It will be okay, don't worry." I said quietly, trying to believe to my own words.

"Dad was pretty funny back there, huh?" she asked, and got up from the bed.

"Oh, you mean the whole 'dudes shouldn't dance' thing?"

"Yep. Such a typical reaction. I thought he was better than that."

"It doesn't really matter. That ballet dude was really awesome." I replied, reminding myself to keep quiet about the fact I was going to meet him tomorrow. Oddly enough, I wanted to keep it as a secret.  
Mikasa was about to leave my room when suddenly she turned back and grabbed my guitar. "Why won't you try and play something for me?" She offered and placed the guitar next to me, anticipating.

"Uh, Mikasa, you know I suck at this."

She persisted. "Come on, just one song." I sighed. I knew she wouldn't let go until I played something. She was trying to cheer me up.  
I took the guitar and tried to remember something easy. I strummed randomly for a few moments and then started to play the chords of 'Polly' by Nirvana. It was an easy one.  
I hummed to myself and focused on the strings, Mikasa moving her head to the tune.

"What's the song about?" She asked after I finished playing.

"A girl who was raped and tortured."

"That's really optimistic, Eren."

"She managed to escape eventually'," I explained. "She was abducted by someone and managed to escape by gaining his trust."

"Good. Well, try to play something happier next time, okay?" Mikasa patted my shoulder and left the room.

"I will try." I whispered to no one in particular.

* * *

The following day at school was normal. Ymir and Christa joined us at lunch. They were a strange couple, you could say. Ymir was tall and confident, her skin and hair were dark. Christa was the complete opposite, short, bright and shy.  
Jean told everyone about the black motorbike and the ballet dancer, presumably expecting to make them laugh, but got confused stares and blinks in response.  
"There is nothing weird in a guy who dances." said Marco, and everyone seemed to agree. Somehow, it made me feel better. I don't really know why.  
Jean made that weird horse noise again and everyone laughed, in a friendly way. I couldn't help but laugh too, and noticed Mikasa was staring at me and smiling.

You see, Mikasa? I'm okay. It's going to be okay.

As the end of school day drew closer, I began to feel increasingly nervous.  
I'm going to meet the ballet guy today, I'm going to see him dance, and I'm going to ask him for his name.

Mikasa was waiting for me behind the school gates and offered to walk home together, but I said I'm going to the gym to work out a bit, and she smiled.  
"I'm glad you're keeping yourself busy." she said cheerfully and went home. I felt slightly guilty for lying to her, even though it was only half a lie.  
The sky was bright yet cloudy as I made my way to the gym, listening to music in my earphones. I was too occupied in my thoughts to check what song was playing, my mind started to storm again. It seemed like the sky above suited my thoughts because the soft sunlight disappeared all of the sudden, hidden by grey clouds.  
I wore my hood and wondered whether the ballet guy will be there, whether he will take me seriously.  
I was confused, to be honest. Do I really want to learn how to dance?

The black motorbike was parked next to the gym, and I felt relief. Rushing, I entered the building, and in a blink of an eye, the relief was replaced with trepidation.  
I gulped audibly and went straight to the gymnastics hall.  
The doors were slightly opened and I peeked inside, searching for the ballet guy. He was standing next to a small table, examining a cd he held in his pale hand. I walked to him and coughed to gain his attention. He glanced at me and put the cd on the table.

"Hello." I said and removed the hood from my head.

"Hello." he replied. I couldn't figure whether he was surprised that I came. He looked indifferent.

"So, here I am."

He nodded slowly and I swear I couldn't read his expression. Suddenly I realized that perhaps I was supposed to bring money, to pay for this… this lesson.

"I, um, I didn't bring any money." I mumbled awkwardly and he shook his head immediately. "You were not supposed to." His voice sounded serious, cold and not too thick. His feet were in black pointe shoes, and his shirt and shorts were also black. It made his pale skin look even whiter, but not in an ill way. I don't know if it makes any sense, but somehow he looked... pretty.  
"So you're really going to teach me how to dance ballet?" I asked, "And I don't need to pay?"

"Why do you think you have to pay?" He countered, crossing his arms.

"I don't know, usually it works this way. Other people you teach, don't they pay?"

"I've never taught anyone."

I was completely unprepared for that. "Hold on a second, am I the first one you're going to teach?"

"Seems so. You're the first one who ever asked." He said it quickly and started attacking me with questions. "Do you really want to learn? Do you have some experience?'' A pause. "What's your name?"

"Eren," I was still quite confused."I don't have experience."

"Of course you don't," he said plainly. "My name is Levi, by the way."  
He stepped back, and sat on the table. I couldn't ignore how graceful and smooth his movements were. He simply walked and sat yet it already looked like he was dancing.

"So, Eren," He said. "Do you like music?"

Another unexpected question. "Sure, yeah."

Levi nodded slowly and leaned his head on his hand, crossing his legs on the table.

"Do you know how to feel the music?"

How the hell am I supposed to answer this?

"I, um, sorry, what?" I was standing in front of him, shifting my weight from one leg to another. He was weird. But for some reason, it didn't bother me. Yet.

"Ugh, for example, when you listen to music and suddenly notice that your leg is moving to the rhythm on its own. That kind of thing."  
A memory of Mikasa asking me to stop tapping my leg flashed in my mind almost instantly.

"That happens a lot, actually."

His face was still stolid when he got up from the table and opened a bag full of cd cases, flipping through them. "Amazing." His voice just dripped with sarcasm. He pulled out a cd case and opened it.

"The nutcracker." He exclaimed and inserted the cd into the stereo slot. I looked at him, puzzled. "The what?"

Levi turned around sharply and shot me a deadly gaze.  
"Tchaikovsky, The nutcracker." He repeated, something in his voice indicated that I was supposed to know what he was talking about. I decided to pretend I understood him.

"Oh, right, that one." I smiled faintly and nodded, and he sighed, shaking his head, and apparently not buying my bluff.  
"Kid, if you came here to waste my time, you might as well do me a favour and piss off." As he spoke, the stereo started to play the cd and quick violin tunes spread across the hall. Levi put his hand on his waist and tilted his head to the doors. "Go on, the exit is that way." I stood still, refusing to leave. The music kept playing, and I recalled the first time I saw him dancing. I realized he had something I didn't, and it wasn't wit. It was passion.  
"I'm not going," I objected angrily. "I want to learn. I really do." As I spoke, I understood that it was the complete truth. I want to dance just like he does, and I don't give a damn if 'dance is for guys'. I was tired of feeling lifeless, I just needed to learn how to freaking dance.  
Levi sighed, and I started to get really pissed off. The hell is this attitude?

"Also I want you to stop looking down on me." I grunted, looking directly into his eyes.

He didn't bother to dignify me with a response. Instead of that, he shook his head. "It is horrible though, are you really sure you've never heard of Tchaikovsky before?"


	4. Chapter 4

Let me tell you about my first ballet lesson. It was nothing like I'd expected it to be. Oh no.

I thought that Levi will force me to do stretches or exercises, or reprimand me for knowing practically nothing about Tchaikovsky. I was ready to confront him, after being treated the way he treated me.  
But instead of telling me to piss off again, Levi leaned on the table and glanced at me, his lips curved into an almost imperceptible grin.

"So, Eren, do you have any questions?"

I resolved to ignore the slightly amused tone in his voice, and nodded.

"I think I get what feeling the music means, but..."my words trailed off, and I shrugged sheepishly. I wasn't used to his presence yet.

"Hmm, okay then." He turned to the stereo and pulled out the Tchaikovsky cd, returning it into its case. "Why won't I show you, then?" he suggested and put the cd case into the bag, turning to me and waiting for my answer.

I blinked at him, surprised by the sudden suggestion. "You're going to dance?"

"Yeah. I'm going to show you how to feel the music." He stepped to the center of the hall and stood still.

"You have music in your phone, am I right? Plug it in," he ordered. "There's a cable in the bag." I rummaged in the bag and found the USB cable. "Which song would I—"

"Suit yourself, kid." He interrupted me and crossed his arms. "Whatever you want."

I snorted at the nickname and plugged the cable and my phone, scanning the songs in my playlist. I never really listened to classic music, and now I wondered whether Levi will actually dance ballet to rock, for example.  
I pressed play and loud electric guitar tones began to fill the room. It was Low by Cracker.

Levi didn't bat an eye. He started to move almost instantly, calm and collected like he was from the first moment I met him. His face looked completely relaxed and serene, but his body... his body practically absorbed the music. It was out of this world.

He moved almost _wildly_, vividly. It was as if his feet didn't touch the floor at all, so fast and spry he was. As the song almost reached the chorus, the expression on Levi's pale face started to gradually change. His lips were parted slightly and he was huffing, eyes alive with enthusiasm.  
He looked liberated, as though all thoughts faded away from his mind, leaving behind indescribable wildness.  
The singer's voice echoed loudly in the hall, singing the line ''like being stoned'', repeating it over and over again. And then Levi started to spin swiftly, one foot on the ground and the other one moving in a whipping motion. He kept his gaze on me, spotting me again after every fast turn.

The song got louder, and he spun faster.  
It was mesmerizing, watching him dance like that. I could recognize the passion in his eyes, the passion I recognized just a few days ago.

He was an exceptional dancer, and he was going to teach me how to dance.

God freaking damn it.

The song ended, and a sudden silence took over the room. Levi wiped drops of sweat from his forehead and sat on the floor next to me, leaning his head on his knee, huffing slightly. I bent and sat next to him, and he lifted his head and glanced at me, a tad exhausted expression rippling over his face.  
The next song started to play, and in the back of my mind I recognized Quelqu'un m'a dit by Carla. Levi chuckled to the sudden French lyrics, and stretched his arms.

"You like French music?" He asked, amused. I didn't bother to answer that question.

"Your dancing is... so..." my fumbling for words was inevitable, how could I describe to him what I just saw?  
He smiled half a smile. "That's how you feel the music." A pause. "And thank you."

I remained quiet, listening to the song, rewinding the dance in my mind over and over again.

_I'm told that destiny mocks us well and good_

_That it gives us nothing and yet promises all._

_It looks like as though happiness is at hand,_

_So we reach out and find ourselves going mad_

_However, someone told me…_

The so-called lesson ended, after I finally managed to tell Levi how awesome his dance was.  
He just shrugged it off, saying it was just an improvisation.  
It was about to rain when we exited the gym building, the coldness of the air wrapping around us like a scarf.

"When is the next lesson?"I asked, looking at Levi who was getting on his motorbike. He paused for a moment before replaying. "Are you sure you are ready to come again?"

I thought about how I will hide this from Mikasa, from dad, from everyone, but hesitating was unnecessary. I knew I want to come again. Nothing is going to stop me now. Not my family, not my friends. Not my depression.  
I nodded and Levi set the next lesson on Saturday's evening. Two days from now.  
It started to rain heavily, so I hurried to the bus station after he drove off.

_This is incredible_, I thought to myself, breathing in the rainy scent. The rain got stronger and a sudden rush of adrenaline swept through me. I looked at the empty street that was slightly blurred by the rain, and then I ran.  
I ran to my house which was about twenty five minutes of walking from the gym, getting completely soaked in the process. There was rain on my back, dripping from my eyelashes, dancing on my lips, but I didn't care. I ran forward, huffing and thinking about Saturday, nearly shivering from excitement and possibly cold.

* * *

I won't lie, the excitement hasn't worn off after I woke up on the next day. I came to school and I could still feel it. The biology teacher announced there will be a test in a few weeks but I didn't pay attention.  
I joined the others at the cafeteria when lunch break started. Ymir was fired up about the approaching weekend and invited everyone to a gathering at her place.

To be honest, I never really had that kind of friends that throw parties randomly. I still didn't get to know Ymir and Christa to the extent of feeling genuinely comfortable around them, but I agreed to go anyway. Marco, Jean and Armin agreed as well, and so did Sasha and Connie.

I watched them discuss the details about the gathering, and then noticed something odd. Jean was weirdly quiet. Usually he'd be making stupid jokes and talk loudly, but now he was sitting in front of me, eyes cast down, staring at his unfinished lunch.  
He is a jerk sometimes, I won't deny, but he's my friend, so I nudged his arm and he flinched at the sudden touch, lifting his eyes and looking at me.

"Are you okay?" I asked him, trying to sound casual.

"Ah, yeah, sure."He mumbled quietly. "Just worried about that upcoming test."

_Bullshit_. Jean is never worried about school matters.  
However I let him be, maybe I will have the chance to talk to him tomorrow at Ymir's.  
I looked around, wondering whether I'm the only one who noticed Jean's silence. Everybody seemed too occupied in talking to notice, except Marco. He glanced occasionally at Jean, but it seemed like he wasn't going to talk to him.

Worrying about Jean was a good distraction; I realized that I didn't think about Saturday's lesson until I was home again.

Mikasa was on her driving lesson, expected to return home in an hour or so. Dad was at the hospital, and the apartment was unusually quiet. I was all by myself.  
The memories from yesterday floated in my mind once again, still overwhelming as before. I pictured Levi's movements in my head and went to Mikasa's room, where there was a full length mirror on the blue painted wall.

Standing still, I stared at myself, and then I lifted my leg carefully.  
I tried to spin like Levi did, but instead I lost balance and fell on the floor, flinching at the loud thud that broke the silence so suddenly.  
Then, I started to laugh uncontrollably. I laughed at myself, at Levi. I laughed at dad who thinks that dancing is for guys, yet he'd probably never seen a male dancer in his whole life. I lied down on the floor in Mikasa's room, staring at the star shaped stickers on the ceiling, and let a final chuckle escape my lips. I haven't laughed like this in quite a while.

I kept laying there, suddenly realizing something which made me instantly sit up and almost gasp.

I've been feeling relatively okay the whole day, and there hasn't been a single moment in which I felt that _one certain feeling._


	5. Chapter 5

On Friday, I woke up to the sound of rain drops gently knocking on my window.  
I got up from the bed, my toes shivering to the cold touch of the floor. Out through the window, large pillow clouds were blotting out the pale sun light, growing bigger and darker with every minute.  
I always liked rainy days, though it's kind of funny how some water falling from the sky makes me feel better.  
The walk to school was delightfully refreshing. Mikasa walked with me, holding a red umbrella. We didn't talk; we just looked around, enjoying the rain in a mutual, comfortable silence.  
I went to my biology class, barely paying attention to the people around me.  
The lessons passed uneventfully, I was staring out of the window and watching the sky. So much rain was falling that the sound blurred into one long whirring noise, humming behind the class window.  
Soon I found myself thinking about today's gathering. The thought of spending time with my friends made me a tad nervous. Most of my weekends were spent with Armin or Jean, playing games or just hanging out. Sometimes Mikasa would watch a movie with me, but I never went to somebody's house to party, or whatever you call it.  
My depression never gave me a chance to spend time with people and truly enjoy it. I mean, I could smile and laugh at dumb jokes, or watch a good movie, but it always ended up the same- after I was alone again, that one feeling would creep back into my mind, although what happened yesterday in Mikasa's room was an exception.  
I hope it's something you could call a progress.  
I glanced to the window again, sighing quietly. The rain kept falling but the noise lessened and the drops faded into a soothe chime.

Cheerful and puckish laughter was echoing around the school when lunch break started. Some students were running around in the school yard, jumping into puddles like little kids. I could spot Sasha and Connie laughing at each other, droplets dripping from their faces as they approached me and the others.

Once again the conversation revolved around tonight's party, and Ymir was explaining how to get to her house. Apparently she lived in the outskirts of town, and her parents were on a vacation in France for two weeks.  
"That's where Jean was born." Mentioned Marco, lifting his head from his sketchbook.

Ymir glanced at Jean who was quiet, like yesterday. "That's cool Jean." she said, waiting for a reaction.

"Yeah I guess." He mumbled. Something about him was clearly off.

"Dude, are you okay?" Asked Marco, furrowing his brows.

"Yeah ,uh, I need to go now, see you at the party." He got up and walked away, leaving behind his untouched lunch.

"I hope he's alright." Said Ymir, following Jean's figure as he left.

"Me too." Agreed Connie.

Sasha looked at both of them and then at Jean's lunch.  
"Hey, do you think he will mind if I eat his burger?"

The school day ended fast, and I rushed home along with Mikasa and Armin. We planned to spend the afternoon together and then meet Marco and go to Ymir's.  
Armin and I were playing Battlefield 3 when he asked me whether I have a clue about what is wrong with Jean.

"I have no idea." I answered, glancing at him as he clutched his controller and tried to shoot my player. "I planned on asking him at Ymir's."

"I hope it's nothing serious." He said, grumbling as his player fell dead on the ground. He left the controller and turned to me. "Say, are you kinda... nervous? About this whole party thing, I mean." His face wore such a serious expression and I couldn't help but chuckle. Armin is such a nerd sometimes.

"I actually am, a bit." I revealed. He isn't the only nerd, after all. "But it's going to be cool, Ymir said that her house is not so close to the town, right? It will be quiet and nice and stuff, just like you love it."

"I guess you're right," He nodded. "I'm still not used to her though. Do you think everyone will drink?"

"I don't know. Who cares?"

"I bet Sasha and Connie will empty her fridge."

"And Marco will sit there and draw everything like a big freaking nerd."

Armin started to laugh when the door opened and Mikasa poked her head in.

"Guys, let's get ready," She said. "Marco is going to be out and wait for us soon."

We got up and turned the playstation off, and soon after that we were walking outside with Marco and Mikasa. It stopped raining and the streets were clean, the sidewalk spotted with puddles. The sun had completed its tour for the day, and been replaced by myriad stars, which dotted the dark blue sky.

"Isn't it beautiful?" Sighed Marco. He was looking at the sky, something close to enchantment in his brown eyes.

"It is," agreed Mikasa. "Ymir's house if far from the town, I bet we could see the stars clearly there."

We got on the bus and after twenty minutes we arrived to the outskirts of town.  
The sky was completely black when we entered Ymir's house. It was a nice russet colored building, standing next to a broad field that bordered the forest. Ymir was in the living room, wearing a black shirt and ragged jeans.

"Where is everybody?" Mikasa asked, looking around. It looked like Ymir was the only one in the room.

Ymir pointed with her thumb to the open balcony behind her. "They're outside, staring at the stars like a bunch of hippies. You're out in the open now so the vision is great."

She exited the house, stepping barefoot on the grass. We followed her.

She was right. The skies stretched above us, vast and splattered with bright stars which resembled pulsing diamonds.

"Come here." Ymir called. She pointed on a somewhat distant point in the field, and I could see everyone was there, Jean, Christa, Connie and Sasha who was wearing a "Fries before guys" shirt. She waved to us and shouted. "Over here!"

As I got close I could see the starlight illuminating their silhouettes, and for some reason it made me remember Levi. Once again I found myself wondering what he might be doing right now, but the thoughts were brushed off by a hand which suddenly pulled me down. Mikasa was lying in the grass, and so were the others.

"You have to try this." She smiled, and I joined the circle. I laid my head on the slightly moist grass and looked at the sky. It was breathtaking. Looking at the black expanse I saw it was deep and dotted with countless stars. Of all sizes they were, some were faint blue, others cold silver. I took a breath of clean, cold air when suddenly someone giggled. It was Connie.

"Hey, Sasha, ever wonder what those sparkly dots are up there?" He started.

"Connie, I don't wonder; I know." She replied, mocking him jokingly. They were freaking quoting the Lion king.

"Oh. What are they?" Connie continued.

I could hear a muffled chuckle when Sasha answered. "They're fireflies. Fireflies that, uh... got stuck up on that big bluish-black thing."

"Oh. I always thought they were balls of gas burning billions of miles away."

"Connie my man, with you, everything's gas."

Everyone burst out laughing, and the sound of my friends laughing made me feel... somewhat hopeful. I looked at the sky and thought, maybe one day I will be able to laugh like that too, maybe one day I will be okay again.  
The stars twinkled above me as I started to think about tomorrow's lesson again. Is it okay for me to feel hopeful?  
I realized that it happens to people like me. We feel like shit but then something beautiful catches our eye and we begin to feel unfamiliar hope.

Maybe that's what happened when I saw Levi.


End file.
